What is more strengthening and healing than being understood and emotionally attached to my love? To pull away from each other can send the wrong message-- that your partner is unacceptable as he or she is or even I'm unacceptable the way I am.  When we withdraw for each other we only cause our partners and ourselves more pain. The distance from each other makes it more difficult to get the reassurance and comfort we need at this time.
It is understandable that we withdraw though. What did we learn in previous love relationships and from our childhood? What messages did you receive as a child about needing to be comforted? Were you told to “grow up” or that “only sissies cry”?
It takes courage and brave heart to be able to turn to our partners or those who have hurt us and express our pain and hurt. After all at this moment of vulnerability we don’t know if they will respond with words of kindness, compassion or understanding.

Compassion and attachment do not lead to going off “to get fixed”. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a way to guide couples and families to connect with their humanity. We all have deep longings, and needs. When we learn the dialogue and how to hear our partners talk about their pain we can listen to their pain without becoming defensive. We can learn to listen and learn something new about our partners and see them differently. Not as someone trying to hurt us but as someone who has their own pain and is trying to protect themselves from hurt by withdrawing.

Emotionally Focused Therapy can teach you how to “reach” for each other when you are in pain. You can heal your pain and connect deeper with others.    

“Love, love, love, all you need is love. Everybody now!” we are all familiar with these famous words but how do we get love? Is love something that happens to special people and the rest of us mortals are left to suffer a gray existence where love perchance comes by? We know we need love, we know children in orphanages fail to thrive if they do not receive love, we know marriages and relationships fall apart if one party feels unloved or has fallen out of love. But how do we obtain the love we desire?

Through the research done by Sue Johnson and her team in Ottawa we know there is a map to creating long lasting love. We have research that shows long lasting passionate love is possible in long term relationships. We know how love dies and how to make love grow.  A secure loving bond is a safe haven which makes us strong and able to withstand outside stresses.

Through Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples,” couples who have “fallen out of love” or who are distant from each other can find their way back to each other.  One of the steps we take in therapy is bringing into awareness the repetitive destructive patterns that block couples from connecting with their loved ones.  These are called “demon dialogues”, “negative cycles”, “whirlpools” or even “the crazy merry- go-round”. Once couples start to see their cycle and understand the role each of them plays in this destructive cycle they are able to but on the brakes and break the cycle. As Sue Johnson states “Love is no longer a dream for the lucky ones. We all can learn to hold each other tight. Watch Linda Bonadies’s video which is based on Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight at http://youtu.be/QB-wdtO-GeU.  Have a look at Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight  at www.holdmetight.net/ it might just change your love life.